I still pick up the phone.

I have a confession. I was apprehensive and nervous about committing to the walk. After a week of soul searching and some gentle "encouragement” from Tish I finally faced my fears. 

It’s not the physical that scared me. I was so excited to push myself physically! I am a runner at heart but never a long distance runner. So now, I could push myself to achieve distances that I had not conquered before. Also, let’s be honest I needed a little kick in the booty to get physical again. After over 2 years of an amazing relationship my workouts are suffering. I ran when I was stressed. But the last 2 years I’ve been happy, content, and would much rather go on a dinner date with Brian or make dinner with him than sweat out a couple miles on the pavement. Whoops. But again, I needed that kick to get back in shape and healthy.

It wasn’t the organization that deterred me. ANY organization that promotes Breast Cancer (or any cancer) Awareness has my vote! I have a heart for the Susan G. Komen organization for two reasons. One, they promote awareness. We need all women checked for breast cancer. Any funds that go towards that will make an impact. Reason number two, and more importantly, they provide hope…specifically to my mom. Knowing there is an organization that makes it their mission to fight alongside of you gives more hope than words can explain. 

It wasn’t the financial commitment that made me nervous either. I have faith that Tish and I will both raise the required $2,300 each! 

Let me pause to say this…I’ve been writing this blog post in my head for weeks. I was torn about sharing some of my closest thoughts. However, so many of you have shown my sister and me such amazing support already, I thought it was only fair for me to go a little deeper. 

Selfishly, I was/am nervous about training alone. Tish is in Oregon and I am here in San Diego. Walking mile after mile after mile alone is so daunting and maybe a little boring. I love people. I don’t have a “hobby”. Hanging out with people is my hobby. I gain my strength being surrounded by others. So instead, to spend hours on my own walking…well, it didn’t sound fun. 

Fear number one leads to fear number two. All this time alone walking I feared would bring up painful feelings I didn’t know if I wanted to face. I knew that walking (for this cause) would make me think about Mom…actually thinking about Mom not being there. 

There it is. I said it. My greatest fears. They're not pretty, but you know what? I am facing them. Tish and I signed up for the walk and we are doing the training! 

The time alone is good and has been therapeutic. Yes, I could do some searching and find a walking group/buddy. But I thought for now, at least for the next few weeks I would embrace this training alone. I’ve actually enjoyed my alone time and truly feel refreshed. 

I do think about Mom a lot on those walks. I think a lot about how she isn’t here…but I use the time to talk to her. In my head I tell her all the things that I wanted to tell her when I reached for the phone to call her yesterday. (I don’t think the feeling of picking up the phone to call her will ever go away, and I hope it doesn’t). I talk to her about work, about the walk, my new pink walking shoes and my latest rehab project on a nightstand. In this time, I remember that this walk isn’t about me and my fears. It is about my sisters, my family, my mom’s friends, those fighting breast cancer and all those fighting with them or putting their lives back together after their loss. All that’s so much more important than me not liking to be alone, my own tears, or the pain in my hips. 

Mom was pretty great. And she left behind some pretty great daughters, mom, dad, sister, huge family and some lifelong friendships. She touched so many people…and still does to this day. My hope and prayer is that this walk and the money we raise will at least touch one person. That’s what this is about and that’s why I committed.